Lady Checkmate's headline: "Woke Progressives Turn Their Public Shaming Ritual Into A Formal Religious Ceremony by Hans Fiene"
In these latter days, the greatest way to atone for the sins of uninclusivity is found inside a church known as the Cathedral of Blessed Wokery, currently meeting in a 55,000-square-foot Malibu mansion.?
By Hans Fiene?JANUARY 10, 2019
If you haven’t been to Hollywood lately, you might be surprised to learn that the hippest new attraction in town isn’t a movie studio or vegan yoga bar. It’s a church.
Contrary to popular opinion, Hollywood is a very religious place. Granted, it’s not an especially Christian place, but that doesn’t mean the fine folks of La La Land don’t love a good spiritual ceremony, one that promises perfect righteousness to those who follow the dictates of the progressive religion and utter condemnation to those who don’t.
This is why a certain house of worship has become such a hit for any Tinsel Town residents who need a bit of redemption after blaspheming the gods of political correctness. Once upon a time, damage-control-specializing publicists would encourage gay-slur-uttering celebs to rebuild their goodwill by undergoing sensitivity counseling. But in these latter days, the greatest way to atone for the sins of uninclusivity is found inside a church known as the Cathedral of Blessed Wokery, currently meeting in a 55,000-square-foot Malibu mansion normally reserved for climate change fundraisers and Lamborghini jousting.
For example, let’s say that you are a star comedian. Your last five films have been box office successes. Your most recent stand-up outing was voted one of the 350 best comedy specials released by Netflix in the second week of June. As your reward, you’ve just been tapped to host the 91st Academy Awards.
But then 11 inconsequential people on Twitter discover that you made an offensive joke about bisexual Muppets in 1997. Obviously, you are no longer morally fit to host an awards show where hordes of adulterers give trophies to fugitive pedophiles and serial rapists. Clearly your career must grind to a halt until you have been sufficiently rebuked by your fellow progressives.
Fortunately, that rebuke is now available to you via the Cathedral of Blessed Wokery, and in particular, via a ceremony of that church known as the Rite of Perpetual Confession.
What is the Rite of Perpetual Confession, you ask? Like the service of confession and absolution found in varying forms within many branches of Christianity, the Woke rite keeps the part where you lament what a miserable sinner you are. But, in keeping with progressive doctrine, it omits all the stuff that’s contrary to its creed, namely the part where you hear that your sins have been forgiven and that you are deemed an acceptable person again.
If you’re still a bit confused, fear not. Ever the resourceful fellow, I managed to snag a copy of the entire service. I offer you both hymnal form and plain text. Check it out.
Lady Checkmate, Disqus - Faith & Religion 9 Comments
[1/13/2019 12:04:52 PM]
Fundie Index: 3
Submitted By: Jocasta