Jaganan Abhinav #fundie quora.com

This started off as a sensible answer but became a rant on Arranged Marriages in India in general. So read at your discretion. Though, Yes I have tried to answer this question too!


Don't we all love a good parents bashing? Let me join in too! I will tell you about Indian parents' mindset in general and why arranged marriages are preferred. Towards the end, I'll tell you about the daughter bit.

TL;DR; - FUCK OFF.

Arranged marriage is the norm in India. Sure the number of love marriages are increasing with the so called “modern youth” of today, declaring their independence and standing up for their rights and shit. But it seems that parents never want us to be happy doesn't it? Even though that is probably the only thing most parents want, they have a fucked up way of showing it. The real reason for arranged marriages though, and marrying off girls quickly, according to me, is YOU!

Yes, you! The Indian youth who has never made a single independent decision in their lives. Who had their schools, colleges, degrees, electives, books, breakfast, lunch, dinner, tea, snacks, drinks, video games, computers, mobile phones, shirts, pants, belts, sarees, salwars, bras, boxers, underwear, panties, friends and even sanitary pads chosen by your parents.

Now you might say, “That's not me! I have always had a say in all my life choices!”, well maybe you did.You are a minority. This is not about you then. But the real question is were they Life Altering Choices? Or was it just a scenario where you wanted to buy a Camlin Geometry box and your parents wanted to buy you a Natraj Geometry box?

Did you take science group because you wanted to study/learn Science or your parents pushed you into it? Or maybe all your friends were taking science group. Did you join that IIT coaching class of your own free will? Or was it for the same reasons mentioned above? Have you from a young age demonstrated independence and rational decision making abilities to your parents? The answer to this question, in most of the cases is No. No. A huge fucking NO!

If you have been completely independent throughout your life, you've earned the right to choose your partner. Yes that is how parents look at it. You've got to EARNthe right to choose your life partner. How can parents trust a 21-year-old girl/guy, who has not taken a single independent decision in their entire fucking life to choose a partner for themselves? Sure the person may not be the same dumb twat they were in high school but parents don't know that. Prove it to them. Show them that you are your own master. Stop cribbing about problems and start making your own decisions. In fact, move the fuck out of your house after you finish school (class 12).

In the US, the average 17-year-old is most probably working part-time. In Europe, they are carrying a backpack and roaming the continent or even the world. We are still sucking on mommy's titty here at that time. And you think parents will go down without a fight when you want to marry someone of YOUR choice? That is why couples who themselves were not a part of the arranged marriage community, have reservations when it comes to their child's marriage.

At the crux of it, most parents don't trust their kids. Why? Because we haven't displayed an ounce of independence to them. We haven't had conversations with them about our likes and dislikes. We have been bound by the roles society has imposed on us. We don't take the time to get to know our parents as human beings. All they see in us are bad decisions and worse choices. Like hell they're going to let you marry a person of your choice.

They think you're an idiot. A useless piece of shit incapable of sane decision making. They think they are looking out for you. Have you ever told your parents you don't need looking out for? That it's your life and you can take care of yourself? That you know what you're doing? You probably did after you chose a life partner.

They don't trust you then. Had you done that in class 8 when your mother forced you to go to JEE coaching because all kids are going and told them it's your life and you don't want to do engineering, and had you carried that attitude down throughout the years and made GOOD life choices (not fucked up along the road mind you) and are your own boss today, your parents probably won't give a fuck if you marry a chimpanzee.

Now I know all of this might sound exaggerated. But this is how parents treat us man! We are kids in their eyes forever. What I've written is true in most of the cases and mainly among the educated middle class. Tier 1, Tier 2 cities. It's a whole different story when it goes to villages and rural areas. There people take their shit seriously. It is an issue ofHONOUR who their children marry and this shit is downright wrong. The cure for this is education. Nothing else. Education and a good parent child rapport from a young age.

This is how their parents treated them and this is how most parents are treating us. What we can do is sit them the fuck down and make them understand our life choices. Sure there'll be emotional blackmail. You need to figure that shit out on your own, like, how serious your mother is when she says she will commit suicide if you don't marry according to her wish. I do not think there are any situations that conversations cannot solve, if that has been the norm since your childhood days.

Just because you've seen 4 English movies and have suddenly become a feminist/open-minded liberal hippie, don't expect the same from your parents. Give them some time to get used to you. Make them understand your point of view. Because at the end of the day, they THINK they know what's best for us and we have blindly accepted their decisions so far. A sudden opposition is kind of shocking especially in such a grave issue.

Girls are looked at in 2 extreme ways in India. They are either the apple of the parent's astigmatic eyes or things to be gotten rid off as soon as possible. One of the major reasons parents want to pack of their girls is because they look at it as a DUTY. They are worried about finding eligible grooms and even EDUCATED parents, think they've failed as parents if they don't marry off their girl child. Again this depends on your up-bringing. Sit them down and talk to them. Start talking from a young age. Discuss your choices with them. Ask for their opinions and if and when they're right/better than yours, acknowledge the fact and follow them. Display maturity.

Even after doing all this, the current parents who have 20+ year old kids, are from an earlier generation. They are digesting inter-caste/community marriages much better than their parents. But not all that well. What we can do is be better parents when we have kids. Give them the space to make mistakes and learn from them. Don't spoonfeed them shit forever for one day they'll grow up and be tired of it. And you will not like it then.

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Confused?

So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!

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