The Bottom Line
The bottom line, as we've all come to accept and know it is: that anyone married to someone who is functioning with Aspergers:
1. You will be a caregiver only.
2. You will be subjected to, on occasion, flaring tempers which may or may not be harmful for you.
3. You will be living with someone who has only themselves as a focus in their lives and not their partner.
4. You will be subjected to periods of paranoia, thus becoming the focal point for such negative behaviour.
5. You will live with someone who doesn't 'get it' insofar as sharing their lives with you emotionally or financially in any supportive way.
6. You may possibly end up in the care of doctors for physical ailments related to feelings of neglect.
7. You will end up in therapy trying to learn how to live with someone with Aspergers because you will have been fully convinced by the AS partner that you are to blame for his or her problems, thus ending up with a massive case of self-doubt.
8. You will be charmed, subjected to an overload of initial attention so that you are made to feel special and then when you succumb to the this focused attention, make the commitment to join that person in your life's journey, will quickly discover that all the charm, the apparent loving attention is simply set aside and forgotten with the AS person off onto the next quest in their lives.
9. In the end, you may stay with the AS person out of financial concern for yourself only.
10. You may end up permanently depressed or build a life of your own within the context of what society calls a marriage.
11. You will end up cynical and going to your grave feeling blamed for everything in your life. Such a burden you can accept or not. Either way you end up angry.
12 People in general will not understand why you've been flapping around for however many years you've been connected to this AS person because it seems to the outside world you're the difficult one.
There is no 13.
If there was, 13 it would be: give it up before you get involved. Trouble is: there is not enough truthful information out there to warn you about the condition in advance.
17 comments
Speaking as someone with Asperger's Syndrome who also suffers from depression and paranoid episodes - which are all separate issues I should add, and the latter stem from neglect and abuse from people that thought I should be managed rather than treated like a person - and as a result grew up in social isolation and is critical of his own ability to relate to others I call utter bullshit on all of that.
This isn’t what to expect from a relationship, this is a step by step justification for turning a relationship toxic and becoming an abuser of the mindset that they have every right to speak for others and to take away their autonomy because in their minds “they wouldn’t understand what’s best for them anyways” and to view them not as someone you care about but a burden to borne grudgingly.
You’re creating a framework where emotional distance and any offense taken is immediately perceived as a mental defect and not the direct result of being stressed, disrespected, outright insulted, having one’s trust betrayed, or as a symptom of any legitimate grievance or miscommunication to be worked through as partners as will happen in any relationship. Does that concept escape you for “normal” relationships as well? Or do you have a list of excuses for why one party should just shut up and know their place on that front, too?
As @Bastethotep says, all this is mostly true of someone with Antisocial Personality Disorder, possibly with narcissistic traits. Not Asperger’s.
It’s possible that the quotee knew someone sociopathic who hid behind a diagnosis or misdiagnosis of Asperger’s. It’s also possible that the quotee is just an asshole.
@Citizen_Justin #40887
Yeah, honestly this post sounds like a combination of the two. It does sound like this person or someone close to them was in an abusive relationship - however, they are also extremely ableist.
There are, unfortunately, a lot of myths that conflate autism with psychopathy. I’ve known way too many people who think autism causes lack of empathy and violence.
@Citizen_Justin #40887
It’s possible that the quotee knew someone sociopathic who hid behind a diagnosis or misdiagnosis of Asperger’s. It’s also possible that the quotee is just an asshole.
Or both.
@Yutolia #40889
Yeah I get that sense too. They probably did end up with someone who hid behind a misapplied label and took every excuse to put themselves ahead. But it does seem as though like had attracted like and they took looking out for number one to heart and adopted a “use or be used” mantra.
As for what you said about people basically considering autism interchangeable with psychopathy it makes it difficult and unimaginably frustrating to try and reason with them. First if you express any kind of mild irritation let alone actual anger regardless of how direct and repugnant the insults get they take that as their views being demonstrated as true. Or conversely if you try to keep as neutral a tone as possible they act like you’re an emotionless freak that’s broken in the head and can’t understand love or affection for that reason and thus anything you have to say is moot and any attempt to engage with others an act. But then if you actually make any kind of headway in convincing people they will just turn on a dime and accuse you of trying to manipulate them to your own ends and of course seize upon the idea that you’re only pretending to be clueless or slow to grasp some social issues if you can understand others. And by that I mean so much as realizing that somebody is saying hello to you. Switching from treating you like they think it’s a coincidence the noise coming out of your mouth sounds like words to accusing you of being a master of social intrigues.
It’s positively maddening.
Edit: Or one of the more mystifying examples is how people react if I don’t immediately laugh at a joke, particularly ones centered around misfortune or that come at other people’s expense. Not laughing at someone else’s pain makes me a sociopath? Or just not finding a joke particularly funny? And some of those people get downright hostile. From my point of view they look like the crazy ones, desperate for validation and willing to hurt you if you don’t give it to them. Sharp 180 from when I was a kid and kept getting chewed out for laughter being disruptive and inappropriate.
Wow, thanks a lot douchebag! As an aspie with depression and SEVERE self-confidence issues, f*ck you in the butthole with a pinapple!
I mean, I (on an intellectual level) know I’m a nice, intelligent, supportive, and very honest person, who has sworn to treat any partner willing to put up with my (numerous) flaws like a goddess. But douchenozzles like this make me doubt myself quite severely, as if my downsides greatly outweigh any positive sides of me… It’s one of the reasons I’m afraid to commit to anyone; I am too afraid I cannot possibly give her anything like the happiness she’d give me.
Note: The Neurotypical is not an individual but a site devoted to Cassanda syndrome ” - that is, a fake self-diagnosis for people who think their marital problems are caused by their spouse, who they believe to be autistic - usually diagnosed by the supposed Cassandra themself, with each and every negative trait being a potential indication of Asperger’s. And yes, it is a mixture of actual abuse misblamed on the spouse’s alleged condition, projection of their own arseholery and “both of the above”.
2. You will be subjected to, on occasion, flaring tempers which may or may not be harmful for you.
What? I’m a guy who has Aspergers myself…and I’m about the LAST guy to have “flaring tempers”, believe me.
3. You will be living with someone who has only themselves as a focus in their lives and not their partner.
That’s pretty rich coming in the middle of a list all about what happens to YOU and how YOUR life will be affected.
@Bastethotep #40905
Yeah, I went to the site and... wow. It’s designed specifically to hurt people on the spectrum. It’s filled with purposeful misinformation designed to mislead others into being afraid of people with autism and related issues.
This site is a treasure trove of ableist garbage.
I am not on the spectrum but I am not neurotypical either. I have sensory processing disorder. I find it very telling that the site calls itself ‘the Neurotypical’ but is specifically only targeting one subset of the neurodivergent population.
@Passerby #40895
Ugh. I’ve experienced this to some degree (some people think all neurodivergence is the same, which makes absolutely no sense, but then again, neither does ableism in general). My family is the worst. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this shit.
You might have confounded autism and psychopathy, especially given the author pushes the pseudo-scientific diagnostic of “Cassandra syndrom”, useful in contentious divorces for unscrupulous lawyers and for quacks (see more here ).
@Passerby #40895
I would surmise that people who keep pulling that crap are psychopathic or borderline, and are actually doing what they’re doing as a manipulation technique to provoke you into anger, so not only can they laugh at having gotten a reaction, but if you get violent they’ll be legally justified in harming you. One thing I’ve noticed that most such people do not comprehend, is if they pull this with another actual psychopath, the only way they can be saved is if said psychopath actually believes murder is wrong, or is actually scared of prison. If he has no problems with murder, or with prison, his first step in violence to someone pulling this crap is likely to shoot them, in which case justification is now irrelevant to the dead asshole.
The bottom line, as we've all come to accept and know it is: that anyone married to someone who is functioning with Bigotry Syndrome:
1. You will be a caregiver only.
2. You will be subjected to, on occasion, flaring tempers which may or may not be harmful for you.
3. You will be living with someone who has only themselves as a focus in their lives and not their partner.
4. You will be subjected to periods of paranoia, thus becoming the focal point for such negative behaviour.
5. You will live with someone who doesn't 'get it' insofar as sharing their lives with you emotionally or financially in any supportive way.
6. You may possibly end up in the care of doctors for physical ailments related to feelings of neglect.
7. You will end up in therapy trying to learn how to live with someone with Bigotry Syndrome because you will have been fully convinced by the BS partner that you are to blame for his or her problems, thus ending up with a massive case of self-doubt.
8. You will be charmed, subjected to an overload of initial attention so that you are made to feel special and then when you succumb to the this focused attention, make the commitment to join that person in your life's journey, will quickly discover that all the charm, the apparent loving attention is simply set aside and forgotten with the BS person off onto the next quest in their lives.
9. In the end, you may stay with the BS person out of financial concern for yourself only.
10. You may end up permanently depressed or build a life of your own within the context of what society calls a marriage.
11. You will end up cynical and going to your grave feeling blamed for everything in your life. Such a burden you can accept or not. Either way you end up angry.
12 People in general will not understand why you've been flapping around for however many years you've been connected to this BS person because it seems to the outside world you're the difficult one.
Confused?
So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!
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