Hey, why shouldn’t we be allowed to post the Ten Commandments in any public place we like? Of course, atheists (i.e., liberals) may snivel that there’s a problem with the first four Commandments (or five, since the Jews split the first into two; or maybe three, since the Catholics combine one and two, and split the “thou shalt not covets”). But since we fundies know that anyone who’s not like us is a godless moron who’ll burn in Hell for it, it behooves us to prevent this terrible eternal fate by posting our version of the 10 commandments: the King James version, of course.
The First Commandment (or the first two, if you’re a Christ-killing Jew) says there’s only one God (or, in some interpretations, if there are other gods, the One God comes first). Now some non-Western heretics accept multiple gods, each with its own role. And some native Americans native un-Americans, if you want my opinion - believe in a universal spirit force quite different from the person-like God of Abraham. But we know better, and have told you.
The Second Commandment (or part of the First, if you’re pope-groveling, Mary worshipping Roman Catholic) forbids worshipping “graven images”. But what if some trouble-making, smart-mouthed, Chardonnay-sipping Yankee humanist whines “what’s a graven image”? All us fundies who finished 8th grade (both of us) know that in 787, Satan, in his earthly guise as the Pope, convened the Seventh Ecumenical Council at Nicaea to answer this question. But such blatant popery isn’t binding on real Christians like us. So what if wars have been fought over this issue? Only a commie, girlie-man or Democrat backs down from a good war.
The Third (Second, Fourth?) Commandment says don’t take God’s name in vain. But what does that mean? Ask the proverbial priest, minister and rabbi and you’ll get three different answers. But we don't see a problem. Just ask the minister. Priests and rabbis are tools of the Evil One.
Finally, the Fourth (Third? Fifth?) says to keep the Sabbath holy. Some people differ on what the Sabbath is, and some heathen religions don’t even have one. Satanists (Catholics) distinguish between the Sabbath (Saturday, the seventh day) and the Day of Worship (Sunday, the first day, corresponding to the resurrection). And some misguided nut-cakes, called anti-sabbatarians, believe Jesus excused Christians from Old Testament laws such as the need to keep the Sabbath (e.g., 2 Corinth. 3:2). But we know what the Sabbath is. It’s Sunday. Period. None of this Saturday stuff. Anybody who thinks different had better keep their odd-ball cults out of the Bible Belt! As for what constitutes “holy”, it means you take a bath, go to church and give proper, worshipful thanks to the Lord. Then you get the rest of the day off for beer-drinkin’ and NASCAR-watchin’ (or, if you’re a woman, cookin’ and floor-scrubbin’). Those people in beards and funny hats who refuse to drive or turn on a light switch are just overdoing it.
Now we know that most of the good people of Bumblefuck, Alabama are God-fearing little angels. They don’t need the Ten Commandments shoved under their noses to remind them of God’s eternal law, praise the Lord, amen. But some people don’t have that evangelical spirit. They’re devil-spawned pagans who need Baptists to set them straight. Otherwise, they might go to Hell, or worse yet, get drawn into that effete, godless, college-educated, Volvo-driving, Starbucks-latte-sipping Northeast liberal conspiracy that’s destroying American civilization as we know it. And what better way to give them prayerful guidance than to remind them that the Baptists’ personal Holy Spirit watches over things in our schools! Hallelujah. Praise Jesus. Amen.
