“During these times, the devil always afflicts me with a gas attack, leading to obvious discomfort and embarassment while I am preaching my message.”
Yeaaaaaaaaah, every time I’m on platform, and I mean for the last 40 years, I get at least a little anxiety. Never knew it was Satan. I thought it was just stress.
Of course, I was Navy for 20 years, so farting doesn’t actually embarrass me.
Sometimes I ignore it, sometimes I crack a joke, ‘Man, that’s going to itch when it dries.’ Something like that.
Sometimes the class laughs…
“This also seems to happen during social gatherings and when I'm in a meeting with our pastor or other leaders of the church.”
And you’d really rather it was the second most powerful being in the universe, not something you could eventually control and deal with?
Really?
“Often, the rumblings from my gastro-intestinal tract sound like muttered swear words or like voices mocking Jesus.”
Um…
I have a rather robust digestive system, and often rumble. Never once have I or anyone around me reported words, much less specifically swears or blasphemy. I think this is ENTIRELY inside your head. You should talk to someone.
“I am not the only one who has noticed this. I suffered an attack in an elevator at a conference I went to a few months ago, and one of the men in the elevator thought that he had heard me swearing at him and using an expletive involving the name of Christ.”
Um… Wow. I still think you and that guy are irrational, but maybe you could record these messages, for science?
“A sulfuric stench always accompanies these attacks and sometimes they can be extremely painful.”
Yes, yes. Sulfur out of your asshole can ONLY be explained by the direct intervention of Satan.
Drink a lot of Coke? Coke has a lot of sulfur.
How about red meat? Ice cream?
It’s really kind of hard to avoid sulfur in the Western Diet.
