Fundie Beliefs #31: Jesus’ Ministry, Death and Resurrection
Around the age of thirty, Jesus got baptized by John the Baptist, proving that the Baptists were the original Christian religion and the Roman Catholics were evil usurpers. I mean, he wasn’t called "John the Catholic", was he? Then Jesus gathered up twelve other guys and went around performing miracles, like turning water into wine, resurrecting dead people, killing fig trees, chasing demons into a herd of pigs and turning seven loaves and two fish into a feast for 5,000 (a). Eventually, a bunch of Jews decided to get rid of the Christians, so they had Pontius Pilate arrest Jesus, flog him and nail him onto a cross. Then when he was dead, his friends put him in a tomb. He came back to life after three days. Mary Magdalene visited the tomb (b); or maybe Mary Magdalene and another Mary (c); or maybe Mary Magdalene, another Mary and Salome (d); or maybe Mary Magdalene, another Mary, Joanna and some other women (e) the Bible isn’t clear on this - but anyway, Jesus went off to Emmaus to meet his disciples and set Doubting Thomas straight. Then he went to heaven, where he sits listening to our prayers like "where are my car keys", "we pray thee Lord to help the Kenton Pioneers win today’s semifinal" and "please, God, don’t let me be pregnant".
(a) Unfortunately, he was killed before he got around to more helpful stuff like curing cancer, preventing earthquakes and replacing John Ondrasik’s testicles.
(b) John's version
(c) Matthew's version
(d) Mark's version
(e) Luke's version
