(A Parody on a Fundy 'poem' called "I Like the Old Paths"; for the original see: http://wandascountryhome.com/oldpaths/)
I LIKE THE OLDER PATHS
I liked the older paths, when
Moms were at home because they couldn't vote, get an education, or hold down a job.
Dads were at work and had no hobbies beyond reading the evening news.
Brothers went into the army to kill the gooks without asking any questions.
And sisters got married because they had no other future available to them
Crime did not pay, and when it did, we could just chop your hands off;
Hard work did, unless you were black;
And people knew the difference between white Americans and lazy niggers.
Moms could cook or be beaten by their husbands;
Dads would work or be castrated;
Children would behave or be stoned to a bloody pulp.
Husbands were loving as long as their wives bowed to their demands;
Wives were supportive because they were afraid to complain;
And children were polite because they were afraid to be stoned to a bloody pulp.
Women wore the jewelry to amplify their role as sex objects;
And Men wore the pants to hide the manhood they had lost to the axe of civilization.
Women looked like caged dogs;
Men looked like gentlemen but rarely acted the part;
And children looked decent because they were afraid to be stoned to a bloody pulp.
People loved the truth spoodfed to them by Walter Cronkite,
And hated a lie told by the Soviets or the Gooks or the niggers;
They came to church to get IN with the high society,
Not to get OUT of step with the status quo!
Hymns sounded Godly as long as that Elvis freak wasn't singing them;
Sermons sounded helpful as long as they reminded us how bad the Soviets and the gooks and the niggers were;
Rejoicing sounded normal especially when we were winning the arms race;
And crying sounded sincere when they told us about children burned by napalm.
Cursing was wicked but "nigger" wasn't a curse word then;
Drugs were for illness but nothing could cure our spiritual malaise;
And divorce was unthinkable no matter how many blows she took.
The flag was honored in place of God;
America was beautiful like a whore in makeup;
And God was welcome as long as he behaved!
We read the Bible in public to show our superiority to the godless Reds;
Prayed in school to show our superiority to the heathen Yellows;
And preached from house to house except in the Niggers' neighborhoods where we were 'fraid to go
To be called an American was worth dying for in a despairing act of national suicide;
To be called a Christian was worth living for because the name meant more than the reality;
To be called a traitor was a shame especially if you were a poet, artist, nigger, or dissenter!
Preachers preached to put bread on their tables;
And Christians rejoiced because they had the VICTORY over the Soviets, the gooks, and the niggers!
Preachers preached from the Bible because they had forgotten how to live by it;
Singers sang from the heart because song was all they had left;
And sinners turned to the Lord to be SAVED from the madness
A new birth meant a new life and even a nigger might become white if he tried hard enough;
Salvation meant a changed life or at least a good excuse for spiritual laziness;
Following Christ led to eternal life of national debt and failing foreign policy.
Being a preacher meant you proclaimed the word of God as whatever the right-wing pundits were saying at that particular moment;
Being a deacon meant you would serve the Lord or at least the GOP;
Being a Christian meant you would live for Jesus and ignore the cries for help from your fellow men;
And being a sinner meant someone was praying for you because they were embarassed that their national programme had failed
Laws were based on the Bible so we could stone homos, kill children, and rape foreign women;
Homes read the Bible except of course for illiterate nigger homes;
And churches taught the Bible or at least the parts that Jerry Falwell liked.
God was worshiped in the person of his eternal son Uncle Sam;
Christ was exalted while his children were degraded;
And the Holy Spirit was respected as long as he kept his mouth shut and didn't cause us no trouble..
Church was where you found Christians and other middle-class white folks
on the Lord's day, rather than in the garden tending the Lord's vineyard,
on the creek bank fishing for men, on the golf course where the Lord had invited them to a game,
Or being entertained somewhere else in the company of angels.
~ The American Caveman
