[Part of a letter sent to the Pope]
There is, however, an item that I want you to acquire, the gray pants that my servant is wearing right now as I dictate this message. They were stained with his blood when he suffered in my service, and would not give up the battle. They are extremely powerful. I wish you to purchase for my servant three pairs of black dickie work pants, three black work shirts, and present them to him in exchange for these pants. As my servant campaigns he will not wear suits, he will dress as a common laborer, as a common worker. He will not attempt to appear to be an aristocrat. He understands the poor because he has been poor. He understands the needy because he has been needy. He understands the old because he is old before his time because of his service to the people. Anyway, he looks like a slob in a suit. I don't think so, but he does.
These are additional requests that I make of you, these are my desires that I have you do. I want this power returned to Italy. I want my glory to return to Italy.
There is one other thing. I wish to have these pants displayed in St. Peter's so the faithful can view them, be empowered by them, and I want The Borgias removed from St. Peter's, those false popes that began the destruction of The Church with their lust and greed. I want them off my sacred ground! I want them removed and buried in unsanctified ground. I want their names struck from the Catholic rolls, and in all records they simply be referred to as the number of the Pope that they were, that their names never be uttered. For they were unfit to be my servants, and have nearly destroyed my world. Every honor that has been given them must be taken away from them, and the world must be told what filth they were.
67 comments
Does the author of this letter think he's god?
He refers to the glory of God as 'my glory' and the former popes that he wants struck from the registry as 'unfit to be my servants' because of their effects on 'my world' and seems to think he can tell the current pope what to do.
No, but he thinks he speaks for god and writes his letters as if god wrote them. When he says "my servant" he's referring to himself. When he says "me" he's referring to god.
So yes, he's basically asking the pope to buy him a new pair of pants and hang his old pair up in the vatican as a holy symbol.
I don't think there is anything funnier than the idea of the Catholic Church becoming followers of Gerald's Pants!
A whole faith empowered by pants hanging in St Peter's. The tears are now streaming down my face with laughter.
I know God works in mysterious ways, but hell....
"I don't think there is anything funnier than the idea of the Catholic Church becoming followers of Gerald's Pants!
A whole faith empowered by pants hanging in St Peter's. The tears are now streaming down my face with laughter.
I know God works in mysterious ways, but hell.... "
The Catholic Church already venerates the relics of saints. If Mother Teresa becomes a saint, her clothing could/would be set up in a reliquary to be viewed and reverenced by the laity.
The problem is that Polley wants to be considered a living saint. Historically, the Church frowns on such things.
It is goddamn hilarious to think that some deluded, self-important asshole claiming to speak for God is making ridiculous, nonsensical demands- and for once, the Pope isn't on the 'supply' side of the ledger!
@Justanotheratheist
Well, I'm sure the Pope has someone to screen his mail, toss all the crazies in the trash, maybe mail back some form letters.
If not, he's going to sorely wish he did when he reads this one...
Mr. President,
It is with the gravest of imperatives that I beseech you to install upon yourself and your cabinet staff holy artifacts which I have extracted with great pains from my nether regions*. I will continue to provide these as needed, but shall require of you that you provide me, your humble servant, with a lifetime supply of All-Bran breakfast cereal.
Yours sincerely,
The mayor of Crazytown
P.S.
*Find enclosed with this letter one (1) specimen of the aforementioned artifacts.
image
HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I WAS BROWSING THE INTERNET AFTER RAIDING YOUR MOTHERS CUNT WITH MY TREMENDOUS TWAT TUNNELLER, WHEN I SAW VOICES FROM SPIRIT FOR THE FIRST TIME. UPON ENTERING YOUR SERVANT IN HIS GREY PANTS, MY MASSIVE MANSNAKE TORE MY IMMACULATELY TAILORED TROUSERS, SMASHED MY COMPUTER MONITOR, AND BATHED THE REMAINS IN A STICKY SEA OF PLEASURE PETROL. INFURIATED, I USED MY TITANIC TICKLEROD TO BREAK DOWN THE DOOR AND HUNTED DOWN YOUR LEADER, GERALD POLLEY. I FOUND HIM DICK-DIVING WITH HIS FRIENDS, AND PLUNGED MY ASS-SEEKING MEATMISSLE INTO HIS UNSUSPECTING PROSTATE. HE THRASHED IN AGONY, THEN IN ECSTASY AS MY POWERFUL PORK PYLON TORE HIS MORTAL BEING IN TWAIN, THEN HE DROWNED IN AN OCEAN OF SEMEN MIXED WITH HIS OWN BLOOD. OBVIOUSLY MISTAKING MY COLLOSAL CUM COLUMN FOR A SEA ANIMAL, HIS FUNDIE FUCKER BUM-BUDDIES WERE SO CONFUSED THAT THEY CAME BACK AND TOLD YOU RETARDS THAT GERALD WAS EATEN BY A SHARK. I GUARANTEE IT.
(PROTIP: The George Zimmer meme requires capslock)
Hey Pope, God here. I decided there is clearly no bad way to talk to you but deliver the message through a seemingly deranged person. Who looks GREAT, by the way. May his pants be displayed to all forever.
Don't argue with me, I'm God.
So anyway, I guess I just remembered to be angry at some popes after a few centuries. Must have forgotten to let you guys know about that one earlier. I've been busy turning a blind eye to the Holocaust etc...
I am the Lord thy God, and I demand a tuna sandwich!
Men in white coats: "Off to the funny farm with you! Come on, come with us!"
Gerald Polley: "Nonono! I'm a Christian!"
Men in white coats: "Oh, okay, that's 'normal' then!"
Now, as much as I laughed at this, I feel a bit sorry for Gerald because there are quite clearly mental health issues at work here. Who, when he needs new some new trousers, would think to dictate a message to the Pope, supposedly from God, to ask for some and also for his old clothes to be exhibited as holy relics? And not only his clothes but also "the pens with which he and Jesus created artworks".
There's a madness here which is close to genius.
@navelgazer
quite true. A lot of it is run of the mill fundie nonsense - stupid but within the ambit of a form of sanity (when viewed through godbotherers' eyes).
And then there are masterpieces like this, so far into Wackwood that the possums wear pyjamas
Behold! The Pants of the Servant. (*angelic choir*)
While I am often critical of certain things in Christianity, I admire their ability to turn the most mundane items very epic.
(*angelic choir*) Now shalt thou observe the Pants of the Servant, and witness their glorious power!
[I wish you to purchase for my servant three pairs of black dickie work pants, three black work shirts...]
How much is that going to cost you... Like thirty dollars? Get off your lazy ass and go buy them yourself.
@Godbuster
But he isn't a Christian, he calls himself a 'Spiritist' and believes that Jesus and Mary and all the other mythological figures were aliens. He also believes that John Lennon channels songs to him from the afterlife. On top of all that he believes that in a past life, Kali, the Hindu Goddess of Destruction was his girlfriend.
I can imagine thousands of people flocking to Rome to be empowered by a pair of old trousers.
There must be a good comedy sketch in this, surely?
@Mech610
"Kali, the Hindu Goddess of Destruction was his girlfriend."
And now, he wants to fulfil her wishes.
@John_in_Oz
"I Googled 'black dickie work pants' with 'safe search' off, and you won't believe what came up."
Explains a great deal about Gerald "Pretty" Polley [/Mihangel apYrs] then.
@whatever
"I can imagine thousands of people flocking to Rome to be empowered by a pair of old trousers.
There must be a good comedy sketch in this, surely?"
Or an animation. Oh yes, that's right. Nick Park & co. already has:
image
X3
Voices From Spirit, inded! Really bad moonshine, I guess?
Or plain mental illness?
Or perhaps I should call Po(p)e ...
Am I the only one picturing the Pope as Guru in Dragon Ball Abridged?
"Nail! Who sent me this stupid letter?"
"Gerald Polley, Pope."
"Nail! Kill him."
"I don't think we're allowed to do that, sir."
"I do not care. And that's Super Kami Pope to you from now on."
"Yes, Super Kami Pope. "
Just occurred to me: "As my servant campaigns he will not wear suits, he will dress as a common laborer, a common worker." A "common worker" in clothing purchased by the Pope. 'cause, you know, plenty of those. Nothing disingenuous about that, none at all...
The Pope, on reading Gerald's letter...
"I vill give him mein SS trousers. Oh no, I cannot, I have mein SS membership gehushed so I can control the Vorld from Rome und not face trial of Nazi Var Crimes. Never mind, I am a Catholic so it shouldn't be a problem to get ein pair of trousers off someone. Trouble is, they vill probably be ganz too small..."
Confused?
So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!
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