hey everybody, there's a new batshit crazy peice of biblical fanfiction from hovind
Knee-Mail: Kent and Zimri and Cozbi
8 Comments
From: Kent Hovind
Sent: November 21, 2007
To: Zimri and Cozbi
Subject: Adultery
(First read Numbers 25:3-18)
KH: (At Numbers 25:6) Whoa there, folks! What are you doing dressed like that?! Put some clothes on!
Zimri: We are going to walk slowly right past old pious Moses, the judges, and the whole congregation of Israel right into my tent to make love.
I’m tired of all those silly moral laws Moses tries to put on us (Exodus 20:14). He doesn’t want us to enjoy life. We will show those do-gooders what they are missing out on. They are a bunch of old foggies way out of touch with the times.
KH: But Cozbi, aren’t you embarrassed to be outside in broad daylight dressed like that? It looks like you were poured into those jeans and they forgot to say, “When!”
Cozbi: Oh, no! I like my clothes tight, low cut, and see through - to show off all my curves. I get a lot of attention from the men dressed like this.
KH: I’m sure you do, but my daddy always said, “If you’re not in business, don’t advertise!”
Cozbi: But I am in business!
KH: You two aren’t married, are you?
Cozbi: Of course we are! Just not to each other. My husband is off with another woman and Zimri’s wife is probably off “praying” for him. She doesn’t understand him like I do.
KH: But Zimri, didn’t you hear God give the Ten Commandments to Moses, including the one about not committing adultery?
Zimri: No, that was my dad almost forty years ago. I was not born yet. Dad tried to tell me about it, but I wasn’t interested in that church stuff. Plus, Dad was always too busy trying to get ahead in politics. He’s a prince, you know (Numbers 25:14). He never had much time to teach me about life; so I learned from my friends (Proverbs 7:7). I’ll be able to be a prince also one day. My dad has connections.
KH: I know. That means many others will look to you for leadership. I don’t think what you are doing today is setting a good example for the young boys around you to follow, is it?
Zimri: I’m more concerned about me right now. Besides, why would God care what I do as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody? Plus, it’s not like I’m the only one. There are twenty-four thousand of us that have Midianite girlfriends (Numbers 25:9; I Corinthians 10:8). Get with the times, Kent, everyone is doing it.
Cozbi: Yeah, Kent, it’s not like we are complete heathens. We came from Abraham, too, and we worship god (Genesis 25:2). We just call him Baal. Our god doesn’t have strict rules like Moses. Our god encourages adultery. On top of that, Zimri and I are both children of important political leaders. The rules for the common folk don’t apply to us.
KH: I think God will judge everyone by the same standard. He is not impressed with politics, power, or titles.
Cozbi: Well, we just do things differently in my country. If you feel it’s right for you, then it’s OK. I know men and how they think and react. I’m real good at putting that knowledge to work.
KH: Do you know or care how God thinks or reacts?
Cozbi: Not really.
KH: Zimri, you know this girl was raised in a pretty heathen world without knowledge of the true God. She has not seen God provide manna from Heaven like you have (Exodus 16:15-35; Deuteronomy 8:16; John 6:31-58). She didn’t see God do any miracles (Numbers 16:31; 17:8). She has not been able to read or hear the great laws God gave to your people. She needs to be converted, Zimri. Aren’t you concerned about her soul?
Zimri: Not really.
KH: What about the effect your actions will have on your wife and children?
Zimri: I don’t really care. It’s not important to me.
KH: What if it’s important to God?
Zimri & Cozbi: Look, we don’t care and we are kind of in a hurry right now. We want to see Moses’ reaction when we walk past.
KH: Oh, you will get a reaction, all right! Phinehas will help both of you get the point (Numbers 25:7).