Fundie Beliefs #6 - Noah's Flood
Eventually, God got so disgusted with humans that He decided to kill them all by covering the earth with a huge flood(a). But He liked one guy, Noah(b), and decided to spare him and his wife and sons and daughters-in-law. For unknown reasons, He decided to kill all the air-breathing animals, too; though it’s not clear what sort of sins they committed. God was not, however, completely indifferent to the "collateral damage". So He decided to keep a couple of each air-breathing animal - plus a few extra of the more edible ones - so they could re-grow. Plants were left on their own. Fish and other water animals also seem to have been left to sink or swim. Whales were still fish back then, so they were on their own, too.
Noah gathered the land animals, which in those days, either all lived near each other or were brought together by God - the Bible isn’t clear on this point. How he selected the two godly animals from among the sinful ones isn’t discussed. God sent a huge flood that covered all the mountains, which were a lot lower until the Flood caused earthquakes(c). The Flood killed everything except the water-dwelling animals, plants, fungi and bacteria.
Eventually, the water went somewhere(d). Then the animals went back to their own places: the two llamas swam 2,500 miles across the Atlantic to South America, hacked their way across the Amazon jungles and climbed up into the newly-formed Andes, where either God or "micro-evolution" gave them a new form of hemoglobin to cope with the lack of air. The Gila monsters swam the Atlantic and settled in the US deserts, the penguins went to Antarctica and the polar bears headed to the frozen North. The two Australian giant earthworms crossed the Zagros Mountains, tunneled under the Kavir desert, across India, island-hopped down the Malay Peninsula and burrowed under the ocean bed to emerge in Australia. Noah’s wife went back to the kitchen where she belonged. Noah’s boat settled in Turkey, where it can still be seen by anyone with an imagination.
As the water receded, it carved out the Grand Canyon and buried the dinosaurs in neat layers, except for one left wandering around the Paluxy River in Texas where it stepped on some guy’s foot, and a plesiosaur left in Loch Ness to scare the tourists.
(a) It’s not clear why the creator of the universe couldn’t just turn all the humans into pillars of salt like He did with Mrs. Lot, as opposed to using the messy roundabout flood method, but it’s not our business to question the ways of our blessed Lord.
(b) Noah didn’t have daughters or drink to oblivion, so God figured He wouldn’t have to worry about making the same mistake with Noah as He made with Lot.
(c) The Bible doesn’t actually say there were earthquakes, but since there couldn’t be enough water to cover Mt. Everest to a depth of 15 cubits, the mountains must have been created after the area was covered. See Fundie Beliefs #12 - Biblical Inerrancy.
(d) Neptune, according to AV1611VET.
