PALO ALTO, CA - according to astronomers, recent studies indicate that previous measurements of distances in space have been "wildly erroneous," and the actual distance from Earth to Pluto--recently demoted from its position as ninth and smallest of our sun's planetary family--is approximately 15.8 miles, instead of the 4 billion or so it had been incorrectly assumed before.
"We're not sure how we missed this for all these years," said one astronomer who, citing "professional embarassment", refused to be identified. "But Clyde Tombaugh was known to have extremely bad eyesight. Most people who spend their lives looking through a telescope wind up with severe eye problems." He fell from the ninth-floor window while attempting to navigate the four feet to the hotel room's bathroom immediately afterwards, rendering further comments impossible.
"As most objects are far closer to our planet than earlier measurements had led us to believe, the process of human expansion into space will become immeasurably easier," said NASA spokesman James Chang. "Our revised budget for 2009 will involve nearly 400 dollars for a new type of high-strength aluminum fire ladder sufficient to carry men and equipment to the moon and Mars, and complete work on the ISS. Speaking of which, here it comes again--stand aside."
When asked why it took NASA tens of billions of dollars to design the enormous launch vehicles which took men to the moon and back repeatedly for the Apollo program, Chang mumbled "Parallax." He then swallowed a handful of pills, downed a bottle of Wild Turkey, belched loudly, and lapsed into unconsciousness behind the podium.
Virgin Galactic is reputedly taking advantage of the new findings, researching the use of high-tensile rubber band technology to put people into orbit, while the US Air Force announced new plans to study the feasibility of refitting DC-10's for long-distance interstellar travel.
