[Another fundie displays a knack for rogue science]
Treatment for cancer.
1. Once the patient is diagnosed, pump a barium solution into his or her bloodstream, and also get the patient to swallow some.
2. Then x-ray the patient - any cancer cells will show up as having irregular outlines due to the barium solution.
3. The next step (which I concede is somewhat resource-intensive) is to inject each cancer cell with a small quantity of manganese.
4. Then lay the patient out of a table under a large electro-magnet positioned at the forefront of the abominal cavity. The magnet will connect with the manganese, thereby sucking every cancer will to one location directly under the magnet.
5. Now anaesthetise the patient and then activate the solid-state laser, taking care to aim the beam directly at the area under the magnet.
6. The cancer cells will, quite literally, be zapped into smithereens.
No more cancer.
75 comments
Step 1: kill patient.
I love the fact that he wants to inject each individual cancer cell with something, and he picks _manganese_. And that in itself won't kill the cancer, oh no, first we gather all the cells up with a _magnet_ and then we fry them with a _laser_ (which must be solid-state for some unspecified reason).
Why not inject the cancer cells with, oh I don't know, _poison_. Skip steps 4-6. Oh right, _that's already being done_.
Oh, and fark this website's lack of markups.
WHAT!!!!!!
firstly you fucking moron, the amount of barium oyu would need to acheive this would be toxic for a start
then any cancer cells would not just show up, it would take time for he soultion to permiate into cells
Mn is highly volitile when mixed with water (which the body is 98% ) so that would cause mass cell death and death of the patient
accordig to his reconing laying a paitent under a lagre magent would pull the tumor to the abdomen, hmm that would be useful if you had a brain tumor or leukemia or any other cancer that was not in the abdomen
what a fucking idiot
im giving serious mind to going onto his site and conversing with him directly as he knows nothing of the scientific method. his ideas are almost emmbarssing
1. I'm amazed that you have managed to stumble upon a cancer cure which has so far eluded the thousands upon thousands of medical researchers who have worked at it day and night for decades.
2. Your promotion of "scientific" medical treatments belies a lack of faith in the Lord. Get right with God, or suffer the eternal consequences, heretic.
Brilliant, although I think a bullet would be less expensive and would basically achieve the same thing.
Garvan, you are my favorite poe.
Inject every single cell? Huh? By the time you're done with that, the patient will have died of old age. Thanks anyway, Garvan Ellison, MD
well, damn.....all the research and exhaustive hours the research and medical professions around the globe have done to find a cure for cancer was for nothing.
Is this guy for real? If not I've got to laugh at his audacity.
Doctor Whom :
See, you say Poe. You seem to say it a lot. But there is serious doubt regarding its accuracy in this case.
Could you please detail the evidence regarding this well-known Poe, rather that just declaring "PoeDidIt"?
If this doesn't convince people that Garvan is a Poe, I don't know what will.
@ EmFinn
For one, one of Garvan's posts claims satellites don't exist.
Loonie, but not fundie. Garvan is well-known to these pages, but he took a pass on the opportunity to say "God gave you the cancer because _____________________ (you're gay, you're a papist, you voted for a democrat, America kicked God out of its schools, 30,000,000 innocent children were murdered by abortionists, you're an evil-lutionist, etc.), so repent and accept Jesus or live with the consequences!"
1. Barium is used to give contrast to the human body during x-rays. So it is usually applied to the digestive system so as to actually visualise it in x rays.
2. Cancer cells are microscopic and do not show up on X-Rays.
3. You know if we could "inject" each cancer cell with manganese we could probably take cells out and this may be more efficient than say your next few stages.
4. Manganese is toxic and will cause heavy metal poisoning in the quantities needed to achieve magnetism. And in any case you would shred the body if it were not toxic. There is a reason we tell you to remove metal objects from MRI machines.
5. This is so stupid I don't even know where to start.
6. As will the rest of the body and cells intervening.
"barium solution" -- Soluble barium is toxic; the Ba2+ ion replaces Ca2+ in various biochemical processes, this tends to kill you rather quickly. 'Barium meals' consist of BaSO4, which is insoluble and conseqently is not absorbed by the body and is therefore non toxic.
The dumbest part of this solution:
The next step (which I concede is somewhat resource-intensive) is to inject each cancer cell with a small quantity of manganese.
If they knew how to "inject each cancer cell" with a small amount of anything, and leave healthy cells alone, then cancer would have been cured a long time ago.
"inject each cancer cell with a small quantity of manganese."
Each cell? Do you have any idea how cancer works?
"The magnet will connect with the manganese, thereby sucking every cancer will to one location directly under the magnet."
Actually, the manganese would probably just rip through the cell membrane, if your magnet is actually powerful enough to attract manganese [is that even magnetic??] to one location.
"Now anaesthetise the patient and then activate the solid-state laser, taking care to aim the beam directly at the area under the magnet."
but it's just manganese, cells can't move around like that. Why are you lasering manganese?
You're stupid.
1. thank you, jeebus lovah, for mocking my degree in Radiology..
2. Also, thank for you for saving me the last 2 years of med school.. I'll pass this along to the Doctors at work. I'll alert the CDC immediately..
3. oh, btw, i say we practice on you first
Isn't this guy a poe? He has too good ideas to be real. Although I'm still rooting for my cure of cancer:
1. Seek all the cancer cells with my unstoppable army of nanobots.
Although my cure is different in that the patient might survive.. probably.
(I concede somebody still needs to design and manufacture my unstoppable army of nanobots, but let's not get bogged in details.)
This guy is crazy, but he is definitely NOT a poe. The freak lives in the same town as me, and he used to 'preach' regularly in the marketplace a couple of years ago. I have seen him in action and he is every bit as barmy as his blog suggests.
The bugger has blocked my IP now so I can't post on his site anymore.
Northern George.
It would be interesting to find Garvins real name.
Find his address and you can get his real name from the electoral roll.
If you have any luck with this let me know I am at davidssands@yahoo.co.uk
On behalf of my devoutly Christian father, who is now up in Heaven because cancer claimed him here on Earth, I kindly invite you to a better knowledge of how cancer works and, at risk of having to pray for forgiveness for this moment of vengefulness, a dose of your own theoretical medicine. Though perhaps God would understand my fury, being that my father was quietly so much closer to God than you modern day blustery Pharisees are.
The latest from Garvans blog:
Dr Ellison has been summoned to Israel to use his grief counselling skills to assist the victims of the conflict there. He will provide updates as soon as is reasonably practicable.
What is interesting is that in a later post, this author claims that both lasers AND cell structure are only "theories" that will soon be "disproven."
Wouldn't his "cure for cancer" require that both of these "theories" be true? (Ignoring for the moment the idiocy of calling lasers a "theory" when you can walk into any dime store and buy one for a few bucks.)
An alternative idea would be to inject each cancer cell with Lead and then get the patient to bungee jump, at the bottom of the fall the heavier cancer cells will then fall out of the patient.
Although I'm frankly, quite happy that my cancer was treated with actual medical science.
Confused?
So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!
To post a comment, you'll need to Sign in or Register . Making an account also allows you to claim credit for submitting quotes, and to vote on quotes and comments. You don't even need to give us your email address.
