From the files of "never hire a nigger"...

Got into work last night to find an email saying "Meeting at 6, conference room" and the rest of the Watchdogs (our supervisor's name for the night shift quality control team) CC'd. Only time we ever get called in for group meetings, there's either a new project or something has gone seriously wrong in the data integrity process, and you know what they say about bad news and Fridays, so I'm ready for the worst.

The head of our entire department is running the meeting, and he has a look on his face like people get when their loved ones are in surgery and they're waiting for news from the doc. Something's seriously got the guy spooked.

Well, "spooked" turns out to have been the key word. Turns out one of Seattle's local chimpout-for-hire groups has us on their radar because we've hired four niggers since March and none of them have lasted longer than a couple of weeks, and it doesn't look good for the new guy (the one who, earlier this week, I mentioned could not find three pages of pictures in a 300-page block of text.) There have been credible rumors of a discrimination ghetto-lotto attempt, so management has gimcracked up a solution that they hope will prove one way or the other who's right—are we being racist or are niggers that stupid? We're going to do some science.

Each of us is given a block of already-QC'd work that one of the other members of the team did last week and this week; what we're to do is to look at this work, QC it fresh, and they're going to compare the notes and look for false positives. Two hours from end of shift, we're going to get a live feedback report, so meet back in the conference room later.

Fast forward through a lot of concentrated frustration QCing nothing but nigger work, in which a lot of muttered "c'mon, man" and "are you kidding me, how do you screw that up?!" can be overheard from "the doghouse", to the point where someone from the night data pool had to be assured that "it's not you, don't worry" Missing photo addenda, documents pulled from God knows where that are garbled gibberish, and literally a zero percent hit rate on files completely correct (our team average is over 80 percent on that metric, and the remaining 20 is usually minor corrections like a nitpick over something silly like a misused comma.)

We all take a 15-minute break at once right before the meeting...and catharsis ensues. "Can you believe that idiot?" "Is Taco Bell hiring? And if so, can they make sure he doesn't work at the one in my neighborhood?" "A trained chimp could do that job and he can't." And even, from one of our more crunchy-granola-bar group members, "they say we're racist, I don't care what color you are, that's just incompetence" (truth about niggers, kid. You'll learn it!)

And sure enough, the conference goes exactly as the best-case scenario would indicate. Big boss comes in, and to pick up that guy-in-the-hospital-waiting-room metaphor, this is like the surgeon coming out and saying "don't worry, the surgery was a complete success, we got all of it, your mother will make a complete recovery."

Turns out they waited until Friday because they're going to fire the nigger over the phone, just tell him "don't come in on Monday", deactivate his keycard, and alert building security to call the police if they see him on site. They didn't outright say "because we're pretty sure he'll chimp out and someone might get hurt." They didn't have to. It's a nigger buck. They know how niggers are when someone beez disrespekkin' dey ass.

And NAAN or Bureau of Land Management or whoever initiated this "youz be rayciss"? Their lawyers are getting a polite but firm "he was fired for cause and here's the data" if they push the point.

Saturday mornings are so much nicer when they're hard-earned, eh?