Jesus, Paul and the theological liberal

Jesus: And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out. It is better for you to enter the Kingdom of God with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into Hell, where the worm never dies and the fire never quenches. (Matthew 9:47)

Strawman: Whoawhoawhoa Jesus, WHOAAA! Don't you know what that sounds like to people ?

(=Addressing the audience=)

Strawman: Alright guys, so check it out. I know that sounded super bad, but Jesus didn't REALLY mean what it seemed like he obviously meant with all that ugly sin and hell and fire and stuff. There's metaphors, smiles and just WAIT until you here about this one garbage dump...

Next panel.

Paul: Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, - (1 Corinthians 6:9)

Strawman: PAUL! Wait man! Did you really have to include THAT one ?

(=Addressing the audience=)

Strawman: Alright guys, wow, yeah that def sounded waay not OK. I know it sounds like Paul was talking about men who practiced homosexuality when he said "Men who practiced homosexuality" but there are different ways of looking at it, lemme just explain it to you okay ?

Next panel.

Jesus: Just as Jonah spent three days and nights in the belly of a fish, so will the Son of Man spend three days and nights in the heart of- (Matthew 12:40)

Strawman: (bursts out laughing) JESUS! So embarrassing!!! Please just stop now and let me explain this to people.

(=Addressing the audience=)

Strawman: I know Jesus just validated as literal one of the craziest sounding stories of the Old Testament but listen: he didn't mean it LITERALLY, you know ? Jesus would never say something that contradicts science - he's just referring to this story as, like, a Jewish legend or something. Everyone knows there's no way a dude could live inside a huge fish for three days! Even God can't make that happen.

Next panel.

Paul: But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach to you a gospel contrary to the one we preached to you, let him be accursed. As we have said before, so now I say again: If anyone is preaching to you a gospel contrary to the one you received, let him be accursed. (1 Galations 8:9)

Strawman: PAUL! BRO! Harsh sounding for reals.

(=Addressing the audience=)

Strawmen: Wow Paul can be an animated fellow huh! I know that sounded pretty bad but listen, it's not as it seems: God's love is big enough to cover ALL people and by what I mean by that is whatever you or o want to be true about God and how he deals with people is true. Okay :)

Next panel.

Jesus: Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. (Luke 9:26)

Strawman: JESUS! Ugh, that sounds so bad!!!

(=Attempts to address the audience=)

Strawman: Alright look, Jesus didn't really mean that he just... (Pauses before glancing to the side) Hey you didn't really mean that, right ?