My daughter was drawn into the trans cult by a young man, who was the catalyst of our estrangement, and I’ll admit, it’s been difficult not to direct much of my anger toward him in my heart. We feel betrayed and lied to. I believe he was toying with the idea long before he came clean with our daughter, and by then, she was deeply devoted. But if I’m being honest, I feel far more resentment toward his mother. Because while many kids get caught in the net of this ideology, I’ve believe there are really only two kinds of mothers in this equation.

There is the mother who deeply loves her child and may not know what’s right or how to protect them, but she wants to, and she tries. And then there is the kind who neglected her child, carries guilt for it, and sees their child’s “coming out” as a chance to absolve themselves—by becoming the most vocal, unquestioning cheerleader of all. That is the kind of mother he has. And that woman has replaced me in my daughter’s heart, acting as a fuel to keep the fires of division burning because we would not affirm her son. Admittedly, my heart is very hard towards her now.

But it’s accounts such as this that remind me not to let the hardness I feel toward her spill over onto others. I know that most mothers truly love their children and were blindsided by this movement, just as we were. And truly, my heart aches for all of us. Even those that affirm and cheerlead their own child’s demise. Sometimes I truly believe “they know not what they do.” And that helps me to extend grace.

Friends have tried to comfort me by saying, “At least it’s him and not your daughter.” But she loved him. She planned to marry him. For years, I thought of him as my son-to-be. And now, I grieve deeply for what seven years on estrogen—and their descent into pornography—has done to them both. He pressured her to disown us a couple of years ago, and then broke up with her six months later. But she still lives with him and helps facilitate his lifestyle as a “friend.” All of her hopes and dreams of being married and becoming a mother are gone now. And perhaps I should praise God that they didn’t produce a child to indoctrinate into the trans cult, because that would surely destroy me.