[From “2008” ]
Dear Germany,
I am applying for political asylum to your country as a refugee from the United States of America. Ever since the malls invaded my country, I have been persecuted both politically and economically because my beliefs conflict radically with the idea that everything on earth should be for sale. ...
What is really scary is that the malls are pushing up toward an apocalypse, even if a slow one. ...
I can't go on anymore. Everywhere I turn, there is a mall guard watching over me from its lighted windows with slogans promising heaven in exchange for hell on earth. I cannot find a place to walk where there are no concrete paths, waterfountains and pay phones. Everything is either a mall or a "park," which is like a captive wilderness Disneyland to remind us of what once was, so we can refresh ourselves before going shopping again. The malls have domesticated us, and now we live in cages called "cars" or "apartments," awaiting the end that our common sense tells us will eventually come but of which we cannot speak in public ...
Please help me by granting me asylum in your fair country. I estimate your country has another fifty years before the malls take over, thus asylum would give me liberty for most of my natural life. I would be indebted to you and promise not to breed with your women, as if I introduce mutt American blood into your heritage, I will be contributing to the adulteration of what is it to be German and thus giving the malls a chance to replace your culture. Furthermore, I promise to never eat fast food while in Germany. I hope you can consider my application fairly and deliver me from a state of persecution, for which I will be forever in your debt.
Sincerely,
18 comments
You are the opposite of all the fundamental values of the Federal Republic of Germany. Do you really want to live in a country whose constitution’s most important statements, protected by perpetuity clause, are:
(1) Human dignity shall be inviolable. To respect and protect it shall be the duty of all state authority.
and
(1) The Federal Republic of Germany is a democratic and social federal state.
?
Horny Hathor, this is even more stupid than I thought!
I can't go on anymore. Everywhere I turn, there is a mall guard watching over me from its lighted windows with slogans promising heaven in exchange for hell on earth. I cannot find a place to walk where there are no concrete paths, waterfountains and pay phones. Everything is either a mall or a "park," which is like a captive wilderness Disneyland to remind us of what once was, so we can refresh ourselves before going shopping again. The malls have domesticated us, and now we live in cages called "cars" or "apartments," awaiting the end that our common sense tells us will eventually come but of which we cannot speak in public ...
…you are aware that Germany is a highly developed, heavily populated industrial nation, right? We have cities, streets, shopping centres, cars, apartments etc. too - perhaps not as bad as in America, but certainly not an escape. And there is little original nature left - most of our forests are commercial in nature and many of our “nature” biotopes actually originating from old forms of agriculture and forestry, we hunted our large predators to extinction in the 19th Century with them returning only relatively recently. And really, the USA seem like a far better place to build your cabin in the woods to go back to nature (or bury the victims of your man-hunts) than Germany.
I would be indebted to you and promise not to breed with your women, as if I introduce mutt American blood into your heritage, I will be contributing to the adulteration of what is it to be German and thus giving the malls a chance to replace your culture.
The dark time when this what was our country was about is gone, and it shall never return. Nazi scum.
Furthermore, I promise to never eat fast food while in Germany.
…why the hell would we care?
First mall in Hull: Bransholme Centre. Second: Prospect Centre. Third: Princes Quay. Fourth: St. Stephens.
Hasn't done Hull any harm: as proven by the fact that we were City of Culture in 2017.
There's barely a main street here without a takeaway: and that's before you see a McDonald's, KFC, Pizza Hut, Subway, Greggs etc.
Oh, and Fish & Chip shops here before I was born. But as that reflects Hull's history - and therefore culture - in the fishing/maritime industries...!
Holy shit dude, there's lots and lots of places in the US that are quite rural and quite distant from any malls. I mean, probably moreso than Germany. Maybe. I dunno. I've never been to Germany myself. Anyways, I seriously doubt that Germany will let you in when they find out you're basically a Nazi.
@Bastethotep #88330
He clearly learned all he knows about Germany from watching Heidi on a continuous loop. Which, yes, I know, is set in Switzerland, but why would anyone assume this clownass moron knows the difference? My point is, he's expecting snowcapped chalets, lederhosen and flugelhorns and he will be most put out when he checks into his modern hotel and finds running water instead of dysentery.
I just don't get this idiot. Did he just have a lot of fun camping as a kid and he wants to recapture that feeling, or did his high school sweetheart leave him for modernity and the joys of an electric dick and his 'roided up Luddism is his way of coping?
1. This dude is American?
2. The last time that I checked, Nazis were permanent Persona Non Gratas in Germany.
As a german, I can confirm we do indeed have malls. Probably not like the Wal-Marts with a parking lot the size of a small european country, with an assortment of assault rifles and electric carts for fat people, but malls nontheless. Concrete paths, too. Even the occasional payphone still clings to existence in this age of cellphones. Also, appartment living is the norm here, you must be rich AF to be a homeowner. And I don't even know where to start about the cars…
But still: malls? Evul malls which slowly push toward the apocalypse?? That’s the weirdest and most oddly-specific bogeyman I’ve seen so far.
"What is really scary is that the malls are pushing up toward an apocalypse, even if a slow one. ..."
One of Pratchett's fictional novels of Discworld presented malls a s a sort of urban parasite, sucking the life out of downtown. The wizards killed it and saved Ankh-Morpork.
But in this world, malls are more of a symptom, not a threat. And anyplace where the economy is more advanced than barter will have them.
I have to think Vijsy kniws this, and just wants to whine about how evil America has become, almighty dolkkar, lowest common denominator, all that.
But i just wanna know where he got the computer he posted this on....
<@KeithInc. > #88414
Clearly he stumbled upon a wild Dell orchard and picked the ripest computer from the tallest computer tree. All organic, no pesticides or GMO or anything. Bit chuggy on the RAM, and it becomes a slideshow if you so much as try to play Minesweeper, but soooooo much better than those store-bought computers.
Wait a minute, though…aren’t malls actually in decline all over the place, though? OK this was written in 2008, I know, but it was already going on back then, I think. That was the time of the “Great Recession” after all.
Confused?
So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!
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