*sigh* Here we go again…
First, the big one. Time for another one of Vgal’s life stories!
( StopThisMadness )
Doesn't want kids but wants to "carry a child" -- fetish.
You do so love assuming, don’t you?
As a trans woman and someone who knows a bit about the very thing you so easily and casually describe as a ‘fetish’… story time.
I already described my feelings about pregnancy and everything that comes with it here on FSTDT.
So, I’ve had a yearning for pregnancy for a long while now. But did that mean that I actually wanted kids?
The answer is… yes and no and it’s complicated.
You see, one thing is to have an instinct for it that gently gnaws at you.
But it’s quite another thing to consider the reality of having kids.
While I haven’t had any of my own, I have family members who do. So I’ve had some opportunity to see just how difficult, draining, time-consuming and nerve-destroying it can be to have little children. It is a massive undertaking that you can’t give up once you start it… and it will consume much of your life from then on. Yes, there are also wonderful moments, but you have to be ready and willing to face a whole lot of frustration and worse.
Also, you’d be raising another human being. From scratch. And if that doesn’t scare the shit out of you, then you’re not taking it seriously enough.
I did not think myself sufficiently mature or ready for all of this. Nor do I have a woman who I’d have a child with in the first place — and I sure as hell ain’t doing this alone, even if I could, which I realistically can’t given that I’d have to go for adoption… as a single trans woman in a fairly conservative country. Even if you discount the years-long waiting that comes with trying to adopt here, the mere fact that I’m both single and trans would effectively disqualify me.
So you see, it’s one thing to have an instinct and a yearning. But quite another to make it a reality.
Anyway, that yearning of mine wasn’t that strong, and I told myself that I’m not parent material anyway. Maybe someday, if I find someone and am ready. But nothing immediate.
Nothing too immediate or unbearably strong, that is, until something happened under a year ago. Something that nuked my attitude towards this and turned everything on its head. I’ll give as few details here as possible to convey what I want to, since I don’t want to break someone else’s privacy.
There’s a woman I’m in love with. Have been for a long time. She’s well aware and is okay with that, but doesn’t feel the same towards me. Never has, and I’m sure she never will.
So, less than a year ago, she told me that she’s pregnant. Through IVF, as a single mom.
At first, I was just… surprised, and amazed.
Then, once I got over that initial astonishment, my feelings about it became clear.
What do you think they were? My feelings about that situation.
Well…
The perspective that I mentioned earlier… changed. Heavily.
The woman whom I loved was having a baby.
And I thought… now I’ll have two people to love. Isn’t that absolutely wonderful?
Nothing could prepare me for the strength of the yearning and desire that I had to be with her, then. As she was still pregnant, and then after she gave birth as well.
Yes, I wanted to have a family. A child. I wanted it more than anything in the world.
And there was nothing abstract about it. That family and that child already existed. The fact that the child isn’t biologically mine means precisely nothing to me — it has no bearing whatsoever on my capacity to love. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’d love them as my own if, by some miracle, the mom would one day want me. (btw. I refer to the baby in gender-neutral terms for added privacy)
I still feel those things just as powerfully. Sometimes, it’s hard to bear. Given that nothing can be done about it.
I may wish I was part of their family, but I’m not. And never will be. That’s just the way it is.
At most, I can just be a friend. It’ll have to be enough.
TERFs / GCs would doubtlessly think this is some sort of sick obsession or some scenario from a horror movie.
But in reality… what I feel is, quite simply, love for my friend. Worry. A desire for closeness, intimacy, and to be there for them in any way that I can. To help, to share the good and the bad, and to take up as much of the burden as I can. To raise a wonderful little person together.
However, in the absence of that… I’ll just be a friend, nothing more.
So… is what I described so awful? Monstrous? A… fetish?
Anyway… my point is, there’s a difference between having an instinct of sorts, and the very real prospect of becoming a parent. One might feel the former, but not want the latter.
But even so… one’s perspective there can change drastically, with time. Especially if you find a special person you’d actually want to have a child with.
It’s a funny coincidence, but right this very moment my playlist randomly arrived at a quite appropriate song for this post — ’Only Time’ by Enya. Here’s its first stanza:
Who can say where the road goes?
Where the day flows? Only time
And who can say if your love grows
As your heart chose? Only time
Indeed.
With all that said… I’ll write about the rest of the OP in another post.