Venting My cousin is the only foid that I could have had a chance with

Maybe I'm a delusional coping retard. But my foid cousin used to pester me like a bitch all the time when she was little and would always try to get my attention. When I was playing games on the computer or the playstation or doing anything in general she'd beg me to do it with her. She would always do perverted shit, like bring me to our uncle's room without saying why and would try to look in my pants (this is when we were very young, I was 12 and she was 8). She also would hug me every now and then and said she wanted to sleep next to me in bed. I think it makes sense because i used to be a lot bigger than her and I am fairer skinned than her because I'm half white. I also had a much better face as a child than I do now. I used to hate her bothering me when I was a kid, but when I look back at it now I think of how it beautiful it was.

But anyway, since I was an early bloomer, I matured when I was like 14 and she hit puberty late, so we ended up relatively the same height. My child face became fucking nasty with a limp crooked jew nose, slightly recessed chin, and minor acne, and became pretty much a hairball because of deathnic genes. Whenever I visit my mom's family and see her, she hardly talks to me unless she needs something. I get that she's older now and isn't a retard anymore, but she doesn't even treat me like a cousin. Whenever I've tried talking to her even if it's something casual she gives me one word responses, and she's always doing some other shit like being on her phone. I bet if I was tall and handsome she would treat me like family, and would fondly look back at those memories. But it probably horrifies her as she now sees me as a disappointment. I could have ascended with her if I hadn't have been an asexual autist when I was younger. Now it's over. I'll never get that sort of attention from anyone ever again.