I can feel my DNA changing. How are my other FSTDTers afflicted by the eclipse doing?

The polls for many of the elections are closed, and we’re doing a runoff election to resolve the two-way ties.

Religious #fundie of the year

This year, Naveen and the Purnea mob are tied for first. Neither of them are really the darndest things that fundies say, as they are things that fundies do.

I kinda want to laugh at the guy who sacrifices himself to God as an offering for giving him a job. Makes you wonder how he planned to work it.

But the other group, the one with the witch hunt, is a lot less funny. By the way, there are specific laws against this, with a conviction rate around 2.4%. Freaking caste systems.

#wingnut of the year

For right-wingers, this time there’s a tie between David Barton, the one that claims citizens should be allowed to own nukes, and Slavery Advocate, the slavery advocate.

There’s something deeply silly about someone who’s so caught up in their ideology that they completely accept the idea of giving wealthy people private ownership of weapons that could level a city. This is the kind of thing that lead to FSTDT getting political in the first place: is there really a difference between this guy, compared to the fundamentalist that condemns babies to hell and plans to kill everyone and let God sort them out? In what way has David Barton not made the invisible hand of the free market his god?

The Slavery Advocate is probably just a teenage edgelord that thinks all the attention is funny. And they’re not even good at it, claiming to be the only pro-slavery website on the Internet when they clearly aren’t.

#moonbat of the year

For left-wingers, there’s a two-way tie for first between maseisbigsexy, the one that thinks Joseph Stalin was an objectively better human being than Barack Obama, and Death to Western Imperialism, the historical revisionist that denies the Jewish Holocaust and the Uygur genocide.

Because nothing says anti-imperialist better than carrying water for Communist empires.

#conspiracy theorist of the year

We actually have a single winner for conspiracy theorist! Jerry Derecha’s first quote, the one about the COVID vaccine containing the rabies virus. Of course, you can trust Jerry Derecha when it comes to vaccines, since he’s the same guy that thinks drinking adrenalized blood is a good way to get high. It’s not. It’s a plot point from a movie.

Putting rabies in the COVID vaccine makes about as much sense. There’s no real motive for doing it on purpose, and since the COVID vaccines are 3D printed, it’s unlikely to happen by accident.

#racist of the year

The “winner” for racist of the year is Israel_is_Apartheid_, the one that wants us to hear both sides about Nazi Germany, specifically claiming that you can’t hear any version of history except the “Jewish-approved one.” This is, of course, false. If you want to hear Hitler’s side of the story, archive.org has a copy of “Mein Kampf” translated to English.

As I said on the post itself, it doesn’t make sense to assume that, just because Israel’s creation was a human rights violation, it should be assumed that the Holocaust never happened. After all, why should the Palestinians have to pay for Germany’s crimes?

#sexist of the year

The sexist of the year is Adil Khan, the pedophile.

He’s raped children, and claimed it wasn’t a big deal.

#transphobia of the year

The award for heteronormative crusader goes to Blackpillapologist, the one that says Hitler was probably “a tranny.”

Their reasons for saying this is nonsense, the whole “question” is irrelevant anyway, and the whole thing is filled with the usual “incel” gibberish rhetoric.

#ableist of the year

Ableist of the year, by .7 points, is AspieMom.

Because of course it is. It’s so short, pithy, and any parent who turns their back on their child definitely deserves .7 asshole points just for that.

#mammon of the year

This year’s award for being a con artist goes to Tim Tony Stark Rifat’s first quote, the one selling a Soul Augmentation Service.

If you want to know what happens if you don’t buy this, I suggest watching the documentary ”Bart Sells his Soul”.

#crackpot of the year

This year’s award for being an ignoramus goes to Unveiling Them, the one who literally claimed that Jesus spoke Elizabethian English.

You know, that thing KJV-onlyists said was a strawman version of their beliefs? This guy actually believes that, and makes arguments for why it’s true. The arguments are obvious nuttery to our resident linguists, but still.

#psycho of the year

This year’s award for being evil goes to Sweaty-Lawfulness-46, the redditor that enjoys watching people cry over dead children.

It’s kinda amazing that they actually managed to make the grade without even engaging in actual bigotry. It’s really just being an ass. But at least the story has a somewhat-happy ending: their Reddit account is suspended.

Funniest quote

The officially funniest quote for this year is H2ElectricBoogaloo’s post. The one about birthing baby Jesus by ejaculating on New Year’s midnight.

WTF award

The WTF award is another two way tie, and, as such, will have a runoff vote below. On the one side, it’s Generation Zed, the guide to harvesting alien livers, and it’s Jerry Derecha’s fourth quote on the other, claiming that 9/11 was a ritual to stop time.

For the rest of these quotes, I’ve tried to add some other comment to truly capture what makes them profound and worthy of an award, but this just makes me speechless. Alien livers? A ritual to stop time?

One-liner of the year

The one-liner of the year award goes to hitman, who thinks Amazon Chasers are gay.

In retrospect, it’s weird that hitman wasn’t a candidate for “heteronormative crusader.” They probably would’ve been competitive in that category, since that’s clearly a heteronormative quote.

Magnetic Crank award

The magnetic crank award for tag intersections, by a razor-thin margin, goes to Dominic Valanmahal.

This guy is definitely an religious fundie at heart, tying the whole thing together by blaming everything on violations of Gawd’s Way. It’s a reminder of why religious fundieism is a problem: it closes your mind to… everything. This guy’s view of godliness is only big enough for the neurotypical, the prudish, and anyone who’s unlucky enough to need medicine to function.

Jack T. Chick Memorial Award for Worst Artist

This year’s award for bad taste goes to Lena Ruseva.

I would want to give her the “Golden Calf” award, too, but we already gave that one out to someone more deserving.

Dr. Nick Riviera Award for Dumbest Quack Medicine

We have a three-way tie between aficiomaquinas (the starving cancer one), the unnamed Italian Anti-vaxxer (the one who works so hard to avoid getting his shots), and Chris Penelope (the one with the holy spirit fart).

Honestly, in spite of the small number of candidates, this has been a year with a lot of quack medicine. It’s just that these are the ones that stood out from the crowd. Any one of them would deserve the award, but it’s not much of an award if everyone wins.

Chicken Little Award for Failed Predictions

The award for failing to predict what 2020 would actually be like goes to LIBERALITY Comics. By a good margin, too. They clearly deserved it. As if the United Nations is even close to taking over the world.

Here they are in the Internet archive, claiming to be the “publisher of the first conservative comic book.” They’re not, by the way. Not by a long shot.

January 6 Insurrectionist Award

The best insurrection quote, according to our voters, are a two-way tie between the Oregon Republican Party and the literal shit-flinging domestic terrorists.

Fundies doo the darndest things.

Kinslayer of the Year

The award for killing people close to you goes to Shobha Mote, Sanjay Mote, the ones who beheaded their sister.

They didn’t even just kill her. They bragged to the police about it?!

Commenter of the Year

Congratulations, @Spacewyrm. You won!

Comment of the Year

Individual comment of the year goes to @kuyohashi #88302.

Taking down a stormfronter concept, especially one as stupid as a racist dating site, deserves it. It’s kinda shooting fish in a barrel, but at least it’s thorough.

Website of the Year

This award goes to Voyages of Light. The “channeling” woo blog. Want to pretend to be Chief Eagle Feather? Aliens? John F. Kennedy?

I’m not sure how many of their readers actually fall for it, but if they really think it can be done, there’s plenty of people who’ll offer millions of dollars to anyone who can channel a pre-agreed-upon password across the void.