At the end of August last year, my grandson announced his new feminine name and pronouns. His mother, my oldest daughter, immediately notified the school to change his information in their records and took him to shop for girl school clothes. I was shocked when my daughter left me an upbeat message telling me about this change. I called her back to let her know that I needed time to get informed about all this before I could be on board for the change. All three of my daughters were very distressed by my unwillingness to immediately affirm and, from that point on, all contact with my grandchildren was screened by my daughters. They passed on only messages they agreed with. Text messages, phone calls, and emails were banned. I was accused of being dangerous to my grandchildren. I was told that the only way I would be able get back direct contact with them was to agree to use only my grandson’s preferred name and pronouns. My only supporter was my youngest son who said he would not attend any family gatherings where my grandson was present if it was conditional on affirmation. I couldn’t believe what was happening!

Lately, I have been contemplating agreeing to use preferred language so that I can regain my relationships with them.

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However, I just finished reading “Lost in Trans Nation - A Child Psychologist’s Guide Out of the Madness” by Miriam Grossman, MD. […] Now, I’m caught in a dilemma. From the book I learned that using preferred language can solidify the identity confusion, yet if I don’t use it, I have no avenue for building relationships with my grandchildren.

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As much as I believe the book to be true and a valuable resource, it has knocked me off my feet again. I was leaning towards announcing to my children that I was going to use preferred words, and I was shakily confident that I was on the right track. Now?????