Once again I am fantasizing about killing people to cope with the fact that I can't have sex.

The anger and pain I feel over the fact that I have been denied sex for my entire life and the fact that I didn't get to experience sex once at all in my youth is intolerable. I regularly have episodes where I feel sharp pains in my chest and my arms feel light and numb. The only thing that helps me is fantasizing about killing people. I have extended, elaborate fantasies about killing people. Sometimes they are cartoonish, like I imagine myself as Homelander and I level a city, then threaten to level another if the world doesn't give me hot women to have sex with. Other times they are more grounded, like I imagine punishing society by doing a mass shooting before killing myself on the day I finally decide I have nothing left to lose. In my fantasies, nobody is spared. I target the most vulnerable to incur the maximum degree of suffering on society. These fantasies help me get through particularly painful episodes because I escape into a fictional reality where I feel I have been delivered some measure of justice. There are two aspects to my pain. The first is the injuries I have already suffered. The experience of my life thus far at 31 years of age. My youth has come and gone, and I didn't get to experience sex once. I think about the countless number of cute girls I've known and met and come across throughout my life who I felt attracted to, none of whom felt attraction to me. It feels so gravely unjust to me that everyone else gets to experience mutual sexual interest, but I don't. For some reason I have been designated to be denied that experience. When I think about this, rage and anger wash over me. The second aspect is the fact that there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. As I get older, I get even uglier. My hair gets thinner, my face sags further off my underdeveloped facial bones.