"Of late, I have been wanting to ‘bury’ my son.”
Ever see ‘the Jazz Singer”? Tear your clothes and wander around like a drama queen, pretending he’s dead. Or mutter ‘Dead To Me’ now and then.
“I’m not quite sure what I mean by this.”
You mean you can only accept your child if she’s willing to deny HER self-image, and HER needs to satisfy YOUR ego.
You have a child that’s less important to you than your self-image as a parent of a ‘normal’ boy.
“Perhaps it will be that I put all his things in a box…& make it a place I go to when I think of him.”
No, no, tear the clothes, and sit shiva.
When people point out, ‘Hey, your collar is torn,’ you have a reason to start with ’I’m in mourning’ and unload your whole, sad, self-centered story on them. Boy will THEY regret trying to help you.
"He’s not coming back, so I might as well remember him as he was.”
I have three boys. Two are not coming back, I hope to Nothing above. One’s married with a family, one’s on a completely different trajectory. But good christ, they’re not dead to me. That would be being horribly tied up inside my ugly self.
"He’s was a wonderful person,”
Ah, an incomplete edit to past tense. I suspect she IS a wonderful person. Despite the source material.
“I have no clue who he is anymore”
ANd that’s obviously your fault. She’s on a journey. You clearly don’t want to maintain contact, get updates, see her through this. Pretty sure she gave you warning about what was going on. Or tried to. Maybe you missed it, maybe you overreacted.
Or, maybe you’ve been a total bitch on the subject long enough that she knew better than to reach out.
Either way, YOU are the one demanding the wall. Not her. She has to protect herself.
