Jesus: “All Jews are the offspring of Satan!”
Mary: “Does that include your father and me, Yeshu?”
Jesus: “It includes you and Pops double, Ma!”
Mary: “Does it also include you? You are a rabbi, after all.”
Jesus: "…Fuck. Hang on, I need to talk this over with someone. Simon! Getcher ass out here!”
Simon: “Hey, Jesus. Did you like the speech? Stayed up all night writing it.”
Jesus: “’All Jews are spawns of Satan?’”
Simon: “Yeah, I–wait, no, I didn't write that! Ah fuck, it was my stoner cousin Brett! Sorry, man, he just got kicked out of his apartment, he needed a quick buck, I thought he could write a speech. Shit, now I know why Nona doesn't want him around for Christmas this year.”
Jesus: “Jesus Fucking Christ, man, I said this shit to my mother. My fucking mother! You know, the great-great-granddaughter of King Fucking David! Now she thinks I'm some Newsmax-watching inbred fucktard! What do I tell her?”
Simon: “Don't, I'll explain it to her, it's my mistake."
Jesus: “Well you better, man. Look, your cousin, he hasn't written anything else for me, has he?”
Simon: "…Well…”
Jesus: “Shit. What is it?”
Simon: “Y'know that book you were putting together?”
Jesus: “The Bible?”
Simon: “Okay, so, the Gospel According to Simon might have a few more Limp Bizkit references than you'd like.”
- The real reason why the Book of Simon was excised from the original Bible.