Okay, everybody! It’s time for Auntie Zinnia’s woefully incomplete lecture on why fetishes aren’t necessarily unethical and kinkshaming is stupid!
I think it would be easiest to go by personal example. As I have said a few times on this site, I am a sadist. 😈 I’m not sure if I ever made it clear that I’m a practicing one, so here’s that confirmation. Sure, I get turned on by inflicting pain on others, both emotional and physical pain. But also I’m paranoid about causing real damage, to the point where I regularly stop and check how my partner is doing. 😟 And when it’s over, I hold them close so they can feel my breathing and heartbeat, and hear my words of comfort, just in case it messed them up anyway, because that kind of thing greatly helps most people get out of a messed-up state and back to normal.
Also note the use of the word “partner”. 👫🏻 Someone who works with me, willingly, to make it an enjoyable experience for both of us. The idea of doing lasting harm, or to an unwilling victim? Ugh, no. I mean, I’ll joke about it on rare occasions, but the idea of doing it for real makes me feel nauseous. 🤢 Because this isn’t some twisted power game, it’s a fun experience. For us. I don’t recommend it for everyone. Okay, there are people who frame it as a twisted power game, but it’s just pretend, and part of the experience for them. Not really my thing but whatever. 🤷🏻♀️
And that’s part of the problem, isn’t it? People who rail against “perversion” usually can’t imagine anything other than “man indulges his whims, indifferently to his woman’s needs and desires, woman submits reluctantly”. Have you seen how they picture mutually loving relationships? Weak loser male being emasculated by unnaturally domineering woman. 😒 Basically an evil mirror version of something which is already rather unfun for a lot of people, even when the reality doesn’t remotely resemble that. Because it “just has to” be one or the other. That’s not even getting into non-cishet territory, where their ideas are even more messed up. And what I do? Can be seen only as a horrifying monstrosity. 🦖
It goes a bit deeper than that: whether people truly enjoy themselves, in sex, in leisure, in life, is a distant second to whether they’re doing things “right”. Religion often gets involved here, but even when it doesn’t, it’s all about what “makes sense” to people with limited empathy and imagination, and have no clue what a healthy relationship looks like, or even what a healthy relationship feels like. And the irony is, even when it’s miserable or abusive, they can only imagine the alternatives as being somehow worse. 👻
Now obviously we shouldn’t base what activities are acceptable or how relationships work based on the lowest common denominator. We tried that in many different cultures over the past few thousand years and it really sucked for nearly everyone involved. ☹️ I’m not going to say that there aren’t any issues involved with consensual S&M or with a lot of other kinks, but people like this are missing so much of the picture that they can’t even begin to make a valid judgment. There’s a lot more I could and probably should add to this, but it’s running way too long already, so thank you for coming to my TED talk. 😀