kuyohashi

@kuyohashi

HappyNewsMan #crackpot #wingnut #ufo #transphobia #conspiracy

Ooh, this looks fun, let me try!

*Ahem!*

Jack Smith outwits Donald Trump by putting him on the stand and insinuating that he couldn't possibly be guilty, he’s simply not smart enough to commit high crimes. Donald, egotist supreme, is outraged at the insult, rebuffs that he does all sorts of crimes, and then proceeds to produce even more damning evidence, sealing his fate.

Elon Musk decides to build a MAGA-only city on Mars. It lasts until lunchtime, then devolves into Mad Max meets The Dukes of Hazzard with, for some truly baffling reason best left unexamined, more than a little of To Wong Foo mixed in.

People stop inventing bizarre problems and impossible solutions and begin focusing on what is real, what is solvable, and what is right in front of us, thereby preventing total human extinction.

It rains Gummi bears. Not all the time, and not everywhere, but every so often, you can fill a rain barrel with enough to give an elephant Type-2 diabetes.

Pat Robertson momentarily bursts out of his grave, screaming about “the hottest barbecue” he's ever attended. His mourners are horrified that Pat is in Hell, but then the zombie starts chuckling, “Gotcha!” before assuring everyone that, no, he's dead, and there's nothing after life, then returns to his grave to continue feeding worms and not being alive anymore.

Dr. Claudia Albers PhD #fundie #crackpot #ufo #conspiracy

Wait, wait, wait…

The Devil made a robot?

Well shit, I know these five guys in LA, they're brothers, they all wear masks, they'll fuck up El Diablo Robotico in no time.

various commenters #wingnut #racist #homophobia

Oh no, nobody takes your stinky viking bullshit seriously anymore! Truly, no greater crime has ever been committed. Yours is the most wronged group ever, absolutely.

I came back from the dead from hashtag poisoning just to call you whiny bitch-babies, so I hope you appreciate that, you whiny Asatru bitch-baby fucks.

Pro White Women #elitist #racist #sexist #wingnut

Oh no, Buchenwald Barbie doesn't like when white people aren't also genocidal foamers. How sad for her that some folks can live in peace with those who are superficially different from them. Existence for her must be a never-ending parade of agony and suffering, alleviated only briefly by sporadic episodes of raging impotence at the impending obsolescence at her own worldview.

So, y'know, keep it up, y’all, whatever it is you're doing to bring pain into her life.

@N0tTheMatrix #conspiracy

*Cough! Hack! Gasp!* Too…too many…hashtags…it's all turning dark…s-so cold…tell my momma…that Muffy Van de Fotze isn't too likely to do anything to help anyone, especially if by doing so, she misses out on some money, prestige, or shiny things.

*Dies from hashtag poisoning. I told ya it could happen.*

Eivind Berge #sexist

“And then an asteroid, exactly the same size, mass and oddly enough, shape, as a Yorkshire terrier, careened like a madman through the upper atmosphere, veering wildly as if possessed, before sitting itself at Mach 5 right through Eivind Babyfucker's
upper torso. A loud cheer rose up from the schoolyard as the pedo exploded into a screaming cloud of crimson gore and creepiness, and the net value of the human race increased substantially that day.”

- A short denouement to this story, if there were any justice in the universe.

Kanisha.prp #quack #crackpot #wingnut #conspiracy

If these fuckwits have their way, we're gonna go back to the day where doctors cosplayed as goth-woodpeckers and stuffed their masks with dried flowers to keep sick air out, aren't we?

@N0tTheMatrix #conspiracy

Oh thanks god for my country's socialist healthcare system. Without it, I would have either gone broke from medical bills, or just flat out died, from all that hashtag poisoning.

Feynman and Coulter's Love Child #wingnut #psycho

“I don't like someone; people I don't like should be murdered; I think Communists should be murdered, ergo, people I don't like are Communists. What's that? The RCMP are at my door? Utterance of death threats? Stochastic terrorism? I'll be in the jug so long that by the time I get out Montana will be the twelfth province? This is literal Communism! Freedom is when you shut up and let me kill my imaginary enemies! I am der Lawr![/stallonedredd]”

-Hatebaby, psychopath, stochastic terrorist, multifaceted bigot, and future recipient of a well-deserved hoof in the nuts with that boot from the episode of The Simpsons where they all go to Australia.

Canadian Anon #elitist #psycho #racist #wingnut

@TheKingOfRhye #167236

At first, I thought it was some heretofore unheard of slander against the PM; Justin Trudeau = JT = Jeets = I don’t know how anyone comes up with stupid nicknames in the first place, really.

But from the later context, I think somebody has a hair up their ass about people of Hindi and Pakistani descent. In which case, fuck this tool with all the fury of a fucking hurricane.

Jerry Willis/Dr. Michael Salla #crackpot #ufo #conspiracy

Hey, I know this one! I loved the part where Jerry Willis flew up to catch the helicopter, and when he flew backwards in time to save Lois Lane from Lex Luthor's earthquake plot.

Of course, then we got dreck like Jerry Willis IV: The Quest For Peace and Jerry Willisgirl.

Tim Tony Stark Rifat #magick #racist #crackpot #conspiracy #mammon

Congressman Paul Gosar & various commenters #wingnut

This dolt thinks tens of millions of votes should be cast and counted in a single day. He seems to think the population of the US is equal to the number of brain cells coasting around the echo chamber that is his skull.

JonFreeman #wingnut

I never understood this complaint. You're all pissy that some “elite,” ie, the best people for the job, run the show. Like, what would you have preferred, drooling idiots managing the levers of power? I mean, sure, that benefits you, you get a cushy government job that doesn't require you to understand your purpose. But the folks who have to deal with the aftermath of your duncery? Not so great for them now, is it?

Brother Nathanael #racist #wingnut #conspiracy

@radphoenixx & @KrizoSusanna #transphobia

@Aisha #166956

Yes. Yes they do.

Laverne Cox, notable white transwoman.

We are dealing with real geniuses here.

The End #sexist #psycho

Riiiiight, you're avoiding them. I'm sure that's how it goes. Totally not the other way around, nope.

Kevin Sorbo #conspiracy #dunning-kruger

Given that, once upon a time, you identified as an “actor,” I think we can confidently ignore whatever it is you say you are, and simply take you for what you present as - a self-righteous, hypocritical asshole who probably was a better person before your brain blew three gaskets.

Austin Ruse #homophobia #fundie #wingnut

“They hate us!!!”

Odd, that. You'd think that a minority group targeted for utter extermination by an entire triad of religions would cozy up to the adherents of said religions like they were besties or some shit. I mean, that's just logic.

@AmericasMansMan #homophobia

Does anyone else hear that? It sounds like a squeaky wheel, and it wants to get greased

Seriously, actual gay men don't focus on “two men plowing” nearly as much as homophobes do. Rent free, in their heads, 24/7, like it's fucking Castro Street.

Benjamin Fulford #crackpot #racist #wingnut #conspiracy

Aww, looks like Benjy's fictional team of Super Ninjas had a setback. I mean, every one of his posts tells us that the Legion of Doom has been routed, their robot clones have all been destroyed, and their death-ray satellites have been brought down and repurposed into playground equipment for disadvantaged children, and yet, he has to make new posts constantly repeating the same thing as if the last post didn't happen, and now the world is just five seconds away from being saved.

Also, fuck you, Benjy. Michel Trudeau was just a kid when he died, and the implication that Justin sacrificed his own brother so that someday, he might run for PM, is just sick and disgusting. It reveals more of your mindset than anything else.

(Also, apparently Justin can cause avalanches.)

And what is your obsession with who Margaret Trudeau may or may not have fucked? Are you so stupid as to think political affiliation is somehow genetic? Does Pierre really strike you as the sort who'd tolerate being cuckolded by anyone? The man locked the country down during the '70's to deal with terrorist, and you think he's basically you on Pornhub? More telling on yourself, you sad wanker.

Anna Perez #wingnut

But he’s literally going to prison for us.

And for the many, many crimes he's committed.

Mostly for the crimes.

Alright, entirely for the crimes.

He has no idea who you are, wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire, and if he did, he'd charge you thousands for the honour and the privilege. Not only would he never take a bullet for you, odds are good he'd be the one who shot at you on Fifth Avenue so he could prove he'd get away with it.

Elena Danaan #crackpot #ufo #magick #conspiracy

Nothing you said explained anything else you said. Your screed is an M.C. Escher painting of confusion and bafflement. So you reincarnated yourself into the future, signed up for the Star Trek 4H Club, and that's why you can exist in the past, from which you will reincarnate yourself into the future? If I thought you had a brain in your head, I'd ask if conceiving this nonsense made you crosseyed. Your entire manifesto depends heavily on florid language and ethereal imagery, and under the scrutiny of a person who can find their own ass with both hands, it is revealed for the empty platitudes and hippy-speak word salad that it is.

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene & various commenters #wingnut #racist

<@KeithInc.> #166585

Nah nah nah, the solution is to not count votes at all. Don't worry, MTG and her cadre of windowlicking troglodytes will tell us who won the elections, and you can TOTALLY trust that they'll tell us the real results and not some self-serving “That Guy” bullshit where they always win by a zillion votes and the entire world elected her Supreme Empress of Space or some shit.

@GOPJosh20 #sexist

Nice try, kid.

image

Now go put your dad's suit back in the closet before he finds out you got Clearasil on the material again, and come back in about four years, when you've grown up a bit and seen how the GOP destroys things before you make a chucklefuck out of yourself again.

@kazuma_yagami_ #wingnut #racist

100% of Trump-monkeys think Donald Trump is presidential material, instead of cartoon villain Cyril Sneer somehow made into a real boy, but before he could undergo the character development that made him the best part of The Raccoons.

Candace Owens #fundie #transphobia #wingnut

Candace, you have demonstrated on an almost daily basis for several decades now, that you are too stupid to operate a blanket; too dumb to eat a sandwich; that every time you kick a pebble down the sidewalk, it's done out of intellectual envy; that you shouldn't look up when it rains, lest you drown standing up.

In short, it doesn't take much to boggle your mind, as tiny and under-developed as it is.

Eric Hovind #fundie

What you and your reprobate daddy call “sins,” Eric, sane folk call “victimless crimes.”

Brythonic Princess #sexist #racist #conspiracy #kinkshaming #wingnut

“Damn you, Jews, for inventing the very idea of becoming sexually aroused through visual stimulation! When finally we rid the world of your kind, the very idea of staring at boobs like a fourteen year old boy at the beach shall be consigned to the infernal oubliette of mankind's collective consciousness! Never again shall anyone pop a semi at a fashion show or giggle lecherously at…is Skinamax still a thing? We never had it when we were younger, although A&E did show some Russ Meyer films back in the day, those were certainly…an education. Where was I? Oh yes, more racist bullshit that should rightfully get me dragged down the business-side of an industrial cheese grater!”

This. Fucking. Cunt.

Oh, sorry, she's “Brythonic.”

I meant to say, Hwn. Ffycin. Llawes goch.

Roosh V #fundie #wingnut #conspiracy #homophobia #crackpot

@Malingspann #166062

I dunno, if the Church did confirm that Heaven was just one big singalong with St. Peter to Weird Al songs, I might just reconsider my stance on religion.

Jeff Texas #wingnut #conspiracy

And then when Alabama descends into fiery chaos and roving bands of gasoline-seeking fetish biker gangs because it depends on Blue State money to not play Road Warrior: The Home Game, I'm sure you'll realize the folly of your mistake and beg to be let back into the Union, right?

No? Blame the queers, Jews and libtard soyboys because clearly they sabotaged your alpha-chad-topia with their "give an actual fuck about people even if they aren't exactly like me in every way” shenanigans, and then respond to the enemy you invented with an actual military conflict that will involve real people because acknowledging that your own ideology isn't worth the scant few brain cells wasted to conceive it would hurt your sense of righteous superiority and we can't have Snookums feeling bad about themselves now, can we? Yeah, that does seem more on brand for your ilk.

Well, I wish you luck in your already-doomed NeoConfederate enclave, and shall try not to laugh myself too hoarse when it inevitably collapses into cannibalism and inbreeding.

Seriously, have these people never played Bioshock Infinite? It's like looking into the future they think they want, right down to how it will end.

Bennett Lee Ross #crackpot #ufo #magick #conspiracy

My theory? Benny has some very good mushrooms growing in his basement. If anyone's looking for a sweet jaunt through the cosmos, Benny's your travel agent to the higher planes of consciousness.

Either that, or I need to invest in whatever company makes industrial-grade chlorpromazine, because Benny's gonna make me rich.

Galactic Anthropology #ufo #conspiracy

Cat people. Were created. 950,000,000,000 years ago.

Which is, by the way, about 730 times older than our actual universe.

Man, I caught a SciManDan video earlier today where he showcased some idiot who thinks orangutans are just actors in fur suits (and also believes the existence of pickles is somehow a conspiracy. No, I don't know how.) and THIS takes the title of “dumbest thing I've heard, seen, or read all day.”

Bill Donohue #fundie #wingnut #homophobia #transphobia #kinkshaming

“This is an unwarranted attack on Catholics! What has the Catholic Church or any of it’s adherents ever done to anyone at any point in human history?”

*someone makes broad, sweeping arm gestures over the Inquisition, the sex scandals, the genocides, the siding with the Nazis, the…*

“Well, we did all that for a very good reason! We imagined that a psychotic genie that lives in the sky and was his own father but also not his own father whatsoever, told us to do horrible, awful, simply evil things to our fellow man, or else he wouldn't invite our ghosts to hang out with him for all eternity! You can see the bind we were in!”

Also, love those names. I guess my next household in Sims 4 is going to be headed up by Sister Joyous Resserectum.

BigHead2615 #psycho

@Vgal #165392

Somebody whining about somebody else collecting several physical copies of the same video game from the '90's.

In other words, someone with no other problems in their life, looking for something to complain about. Dunno that it's “fundie,” but it certainly comes off as “entitled manbaby.”

Benjamin Fulford #crackpot #conspiracy #racist #wingnut

I'm almost as confused as Benny here is. I thought the Cabal had been eradicated by God-Emperor Trump's personal hit squad (“Donny's Demons”) some time ago. Was Benny wrong then, or did they miss a few of those wascally wogues?

Anturio/Dr. Dan Burisch #crackpot #ufo #conspiracy

But then Ben Affleck realized the damage this device could cause, particularly when it caused what would have been a minor health issue to become an extinction-level pandemic, and arranged to blow the fucking thing up, killing a corrupt Aaron Eckhart and Ben and Uma Thurman rode off together on a motorcycle.

Yeah, I saw Paycheck too.

McAllisterTV #wingnut #conspiracy

THAT'S GREAT IT STARTS WITH AN EARTHQUAKE BIRDS AND SNAKES AND AEROPLANES AND LENNY BRUCE IS NOT AFRAID EYE OF A HURRICANE LISTEN TO YOURSELF CHURN WORLD SERVES IT'S OWN NEEDS DON'T MIS-SERVE YOUR OWN NEEDS SPEED IT UP A NOTCH, SPEED, GRUNT, NO, STRENGTH THE LADDER STARTS TO CLATTER WITH A FEAR OF HEIGHT, DOWN, HEIGHT WIRE IN A FIRE REPRESENT THE SEVEN GAMES AND A GOVERNMENT FOR HIRE AND A COMBAT SITE LEFT HER WASN'T COMING IN A HURRY WITH THE FURIES BREATHING DOWN YOUR NECK

Makes about as much sense linguistically, but at least you can move to it.

Ileana the Star Traveler #magick #ufo #quack #mammon

Nearly five c-notes to sit through a Titanic-length movie about harnessing your inner Miss Cleo to fine-tune your eternal ghost.

Somewhere, in the smelliest, hottest, most-Florida-adjacent corner of Hell, Charles Ponzi is kicking a puppy that he never tried this kind of scam. Princes all over Nigeria tip their hat to this bullshit. This is some SSS-Tier con-jobbery right here, and if only my moral compass weren't fully functional, I would applaud this magnificent bastards.

As it is, I hope karma fills their shoes with an unending stream of Lego bricks.

Medeea Greere #wingnut #ufo #conspiracy

“Why aren't my imaginary Masters of the Universe holding press conferences declaring that the equally imaginary Legion of Doom has been routed from the totally real underground baby-dungeons that line the interior of the Flat Earth?!!?”

I dunno, clown, why don't you just imagine that they did? All of this literally exists entirely in your head, so if your imaginary heroes aren't doing something, just imagine that they did. Do you not know how your own delusions work?

Anthony Radavich #wingnut #conspiracy #racist

@arp #164920

Pfft, sounds like you've been brainwashed by Big Map into believing that oceans exist. Everybody knows that Pangea never broke up and every continent on this flat, stationary, dinosaurless planet is within spitting distance of each other, even non-existent Australia.

Elena Danaan/Dr. Michael Salla #ufo #conspiracy

It's funny, I recently imagined myself interviewing Santa Claus, and she (that's right, Santa's a woman, check your male privilege, dammit!) said that absolutely none of this was real and you need to up your dosage.

Feynman and Coulter's Love Child #ableist

@Bastethotep #164907

In high school, they had us dissect rats instead of frogs.

Just saying, I'm somewhat familiar with Hatebaby's internal anatomy, if we move forward with this plan.

Congressman Paul Gosar & various commenters #wingnut #racist

“Okay, so as per Racist Internet Mouthbreather #3897854’s suggestion, we sent ICE agents into predominantly Jewish neighbourhoods.”

“Yeah? And…?”

“And nothing. They were largely natural-born citizens, and what immigrants there were, most were here legally.”

“But you still roughed them up, shot the men, raped the women, hung the children, and then kicked the survivors out of the country and sank the boat they were on midvoyage, right?”

"…The smile you had on your face while you said all that is going to visit me in my dreams.”